I'd like to be...under the sea

But not necessarily in an Octopus' Garden...in the shade.

I hope I don't shock my girlfriend with what I'm about to post. But I don't want to be in ANY garden. Shade, sun, or otherwise. Technically speaking, I'm OK being IN the garden. It's actually very nice. But I don't want to WORK the garden.
For the last 4 days, my left hip has been itching like mad. I have a rash the size and color of a small piece of salmon. To accompany this rash, I also have poison ivy on at least 4 places on my body. I have no idea where I got the PI from. Maybe it's not that. Maybe it's a bunch of bugs. Or I attacked myself with a red pen while I was sleeping.
My girlfriend is fine. No problems at all. She loves gardening, and is in fact very good at it. She's been trying to show me, through words and deeds, and the occasional drill sergeant mode, how wonderful a hobby gardening is. It's relaxing. It's spiritual. It's good for the environment.
That may all be true. But it sure isn't good for me on any of those levels. To be sure, it IS good for the various blood sucking leeches that have feasted off of me. I hope they appreciate what kind of a meal I've provided for them. That rash? My guess is that they're red spiders, who I briefly encountered at some point in my gardening forays. Or they may be fire ants. Or spider ants. Or one of my deceased aunts.
Speaking of which, I had an experience yesterday at my local Walgreen's. I went to buy some cortizone stuff to relieve the itching. Found a Walgreen's brand, with an applicator. And on sale too. Perfect. I bought it, went outside the store, looked at the directions, which said to shake and then, with gentle pressure, apply to affected areas. I never understand why they say to shake. I shake all over and it doesn't do anything.
(Bad joke, I know. Still reading?)
But seriously, I shook the tube. Tried to apply it. Nothing. Shook it again. Nothing. Pressed the tube a bit harder. Nothing. Pressed it harder still. Something. The "something" is that it exploded, spilling the cortizone all over my forearm, hand, and clothing.
Now, I confess to 2 things. One is that I don't like "stuff" on me. That can be cologne, even solid things like jewelry. When it's a potentially toxic chemical, that makes it way worse. The other confession is that I have a short fuse when it comes to bad packaging. I don't know why. Maybe it's the perceived laziness or incompetence of not being able to simply package a product correctly. Healthy food makers are notorious for this. Exploding cereal. Torrents of soy milk through a mangled container. Snacks more impenetrable than Fort Knox.
Anyway, I went back into the store. Got the same product. This time I went to the pharmacist and told her my story. She tried it. Same result. And I'm thinking, "If I had just said 'no to gardening', I'd be itch-free, a few dollars richer, and in a much better state of mind." I also thought this would make a dynamite practical joke. Too bad it's not April Fools Day. 
By the way, before I forget, a quick shout out to the pharmacist and store manager at Walgreen's. They were both very nice and courteous. Which is my experience with most people who work in retail. The managers only hear complaints. Rarely compliments or nice things. I make a point to tell managers when things go well and to compliment their staff when appropriate, along with any major complaints.
But back to the point: I will help in the garden if it means that much to my girlfriend. I will get muddy, itchy, smelly, break my back, even get bitten by every critter in creation. After all, she treats me better than I have any right to be treated. She watches baseball with me. Except that there's no danger in watching the Mets, other than the emotional loss of watching them lose 2 of every 3 games.
And the Mets don't itch.