Being healthy

There are some things in life that are just plain old hard work. Raising a child, trying to have good relationships, being President, playing anything by Steely Dan, etc. But I think nothing is harder than trying to stay healthy.

I say this because I'm on a diet I invented which I like to call the "joy-free" diet. Simply put, if it tastes good, I can't eat it. Which, at the moment, is not a problem because I have a wicked head cold. So I can't taste anything.
By the way, I've told 3 people that I have a cold. All three said what everyone always says..."Yeah, there's something going around." There's ALWAYS something going around. Doesn't matter when, where. Apparently, there's been something going around since the dawn of time and no one has ever bothered to do anything about it. I'm going to offer grant money to anyone who can address how to stop whatever it is that's going around.

But I digress...Back to healthy things.

Ever notice that no one in health food stores ever smiles? And that they all look emaciated and sickly? I believe there is a state law here in CT forbidding the hiring of anyone in the health food industry who smiles.  Of course, this is New England, where you can be arrested for over-smiling. So maybe it's a geographic thing.
Anyway, I'm purchasing whatever I could that would make me healthy even though it's twice the price of non-healthy foods. Which, of course, tends to defeat the purpose of trying to get healthy. For example, I'm lactose intolerant, so I buy soy milk. Soy milk, last I checked, was $49.99 per fluid ounce. Or so it seemed.And don't get me started on measurements. I cannot define a fluid ounce. I get cups and pints mixed up. I see two brands of the same type of food...one shows as fluid ounces, the other in frozen metric ounce gram milliliters. Or something like that. I'm a reasonably smart and, I might add, mathematically oriented consumer. I'm convinced they're trying to confuse me. And doing a good job of it.
By the way, can anyone explain how olive oil can be "extra" virgin? I never had a girlfriend who was extra virgin. I wonder what that's like. Could I be the "deflowerer" multiple times?

But again, I digress...
Among my purchases was a container of black bean soup. Perfect for days like today, when I have this cold and am craving some soup. I will now tell you my experience of dealing with said container of black bean soup: (This is entirely true...I am not making this up)
1: To open soup, I needed to pull up the top section.
2: I then needed to compress all four corners.
3: Apparently, something magical should have happened. Such as access to the contents. It did not.
4: As this container is made of cardboard, I went to get my scissors.
5: Being mindful of unexpected events, I applied scissors to container over the sink. Good thing, as the container decided to  pee the liquid component of its contents.
6: I put the container in a microwaveable bowl, in case the container should explode.
7: As I cut into the container, I began to see the soup itself. I turned the container upside down to force the soup out. But the solid stuff wouldn't budge.
8: So I squeezed the container. The container responded with what sounded like farting noises. Exactly what I wanted to hear before a meal, of course.

I finally heated up the soup. Which was tasteless, probably due to my cold.

As I was opening the soup, I got to thinking that I've had these kinds of difficulties before. And almost always with "healthy" foods. The cereal that has better defenses than Ft. Knox. The shrink wrapped brownies that are impenetrable. Doesn't anyone test the packaging?

One more thing...ever see "healthy" people outside? They're on their bikes in 20 degree weather wearing shorts. And bicycling right in the center of traffic, 3 abreast. I know what they're saying..."I'm healthy...you're not." I'm thinking, "If I just nudge my car a little to the right, would the inside biker collide with the middle biker? Could I knock all 3 down with one minor tilt to the wheel?" It's like a great billiard shot. Alas, one I've never taken. 

Once again, I digress.

But in summary, this is why being healthy is such hard work. Maybe it's like giving birth. Once you're finished, you're just so incredibly grateful for the results. I don't suckle my food, of course. Nor do I give it a name. But I sure am exhausted.

Bon appetit, y'all.