How 'bout hat?

I have this picture of my mom and dad, taken in the late 1940's. In it, they're walking down a New York City street. My mom is wearing this luxurious looking fur coat (If you're in PETA, just deal with it, please) and my dad is wearing a perfectly tailored suit.  Both dressed to the 9's. But best of all, they're both wearing these incredibly stylish hats. My mom is wearing something like a modified pill box hat. Probably some other style. But even better, my dad is wearing a fedora. He looks like he stepped right out of a Howard Hawks movie.
Now, I know enough history to know that wearing a hat was de rigeur for the ladies. As is true today in some societies. The Kentucky Derby, Charleston, even the UK. But I'm not going there. This column is about men and hats. (Not to be confused with the 80's band Men Without Hats)

I was in a therapy session a few years ago and was recounting this picture of my mom and dad, as I never met my dad, who died 2 months before I was born. My mom died 5 days shy of my Bar Mitzvah, and in many ways, I feel like I never really knew her. So this picture has incredible power for me. I told my therapist "So my dad is wearing this really cool hat. It's a, um, uh, something with an "F". A fez." My therapist, in perfect deadpan said, "Was he in Morocco?" No, I said. He then said "did you mean a fedora?" Yeah, I told him...that's it.
I don't wear a hat for fashion purposes. But I'd like to. If I did though, it would look an awful lot like a midlife crisis. Which, maybe it is. So I go "sans le chapeau". I could honor my dad and wear a fedora. But I'm not sure that's "me". If I could pick one hat, it might be the wonderfully named pork pie hat. It reminds me of music. It was the name of a classic Charles Mingus tune meant to honor the great tenor sax player Lester Young, who was a regular wearer. It reminds me of the Bowery Boys and all that scruffy stuff, pre-rock and roll. 
Hats serve all kinds of purposes. They can be fashion statements, or just functional, or, as any Nashville songwriter will tell you, to cover balding. Too late for me. But when I was living in Nashville, I saw many songwriters wearing hats, or just baseball caps. The music business is very much a youth oriented business, so, trying to look younger made occupational sense.
There are (or were) many Nashvilleans who wear cowboy hats. Yes, it's the mecca of country music but I still don't like cowboy hats being used in this manner. The hat is associated with the west, not the rural south. I have to admit that I actually did buy a cowboy hat in advance of moving to Nashville, back in the 90's. I visited there for the first time in June. No one wore a cowboy hat. I thought, "What??? I don't get it. I visited a 2nd time in January, this time (again) "sans le chapeau". And everyone was wearing a hat. To understand it, I went to my natural tendency to assume the town banded together, knowing I was coming, and intentionally played a trick on me. Then, it hit me. The weather. It's brutally hot in June and chilly in January. Maybe the hat had a functional purpose. Still doesn't explain "hacks with hats", which is the term I use for country music wannabees who have no business wearing a hat.

I play in a band. One of my band mates came in wearing a hat that could have been used in an Indiana Jones movie. I thought it was great and told him so. I encouraged him to wear it during the show but, alas, he also went "sans le chapeau". But another guy in my band wears a beret.
I have mixed feelings about the beret. It looks great on him. Dion DiMucci, one of my musical heroes, wears one too. It's sort of his trademark. And it's popular in the military too. But I wouldn't wear one. I don't know why. It just doesn't have that "pork pie edge" that I like. Maybe it's because I associate it with the French. And if I combine the French with our military, I get very, very worried.

Then, there are the elegant hats. The derby, the top hat. All very nice and, indeed, elegant. Maybe if I wore one, the hat would give me magical powers enabling me to dance. Which, as *GWCTRA will tell you, is not my strong point.
Finally, there's the Panama hat. Another one I love. Great for Sydney Greenstreet and Latin American CEO's. But again, it's just not "me".
I DO wear baseball caps in hot weather. But caps aren't really hats. They're more a commentary on color than anything else. And they are NOT a reflection of one's allegiances. In addition, I see caps with the wrong colors. A Yankees cap in green? A Celtics cap in blue? What is wrong with these people? Both the designer and the buyer? Are they all color blind?
But I digress. My point is that I'd be happy seeing a Congressional bill mandating that we all wear hats. Maybe all world leaders should wear hats. The sillier, the better. It just might cause them all to lighten up. The millinery folks would love it.

But I get the 1st pork pie. 

(God help me...I now have the song "Safety Dance" stuck in my head)

Rock on...gp

*GWCTRA (Girlfriend who chooses to remain anonymous)

Lawyers, Guns and Money

First off, a quick shout out to the late Warren Zevon, one of my favorite songwriters, for the blog title.

Now, to the main topic. The gun debate. First, a question: What percentage of homicides in America are via assault weapons? (Answer at bottom of blog)

Wondering out loud: Why are so many people framing this argument in terms of "assault weapons ban OR mental health being addressed?" Don't both sides need to be looked at? 


The goal of this particular blog is to encourage anyone reading it to get involved in the debate. It's very easy to go to www.senate.gov or www.house.gov and email your representatives. Below is a sample letter I sent to one of our senators. (By the way, our other senator, Chris Murphy, as of last week, didn't have an email address. I called his office, asked about why there was no way to contact him and was given a bunch of double talk by an aide about how long it takes for a freshman senator, blah blah blah. Yet, hee's the only senator in the US without an email address.) So I left a message, which I'm sure either won't get to him or if it does, it'll be garbled.
Even more importantly, contact your state reps and tell them how you feel. Very easy to do. Just google their name, go to the site, click on contact and type away. I happen to believe democracy DOES work, but only if we tell our legislators how we feel.  (Feel free to use this letter as a template if you like)

Dear Senator Blumenthal: I'm sure you're inundated with emails about this topic, so I'll try to make my points brief:

1: I like to think of myself as moderate to liberal on most issues. In the subject area, I'm, hopefully, liberal and thoughtful. Which is to say that I don't reject the NRA out of hand. And that I also recognize their power, as well as that of their rank and file. And that it has to be factored in. 

2: Therefore, regarding your proposed assault weapons ban, I do not know the specifics. But my first consideration is how realistic such a ban would be. If it has "teeth", then I'd be in favor of it. But if not, such as was the case in its previous incarnation, then I'd be opposed to it as the proverbial "feel good" legislation that does more harm than good.

3: Regardless of the content, we need to reassure gun owners that their rights are not being threatened. There are few political techniques more effective than the NRA acting threatened that the rank and file are about to lose their rights. This is an area where liberals have been on the losing end time and again. (What I'd really love to see is a wedge between the NRA management and the rank and file. With such a wedge, passing a realistic ban would be much easier)

4: The mental health component, I think we can all agree, has to be addressed. That said, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm actually going back to school to become a mental health therapist (LCSW) and even I don't know where to start. I'm against a national database of people with mental health issues (ironic that the NRA, who cries regularly about government intervention, is in favor of such a proposal). Such a database would include me, as I deal with chronic depression. What we need is better communication within and between states and government.

5: What is also true is that people like Adam Lanza would have been missed, as he had no history. Therefore, an assault weapons ban that would effectively keep guns away from such individuals would be something I would support.

I realize this is an enormously complex problem. I also realize that the overwhelming majority of gun owners are responsible people and that their rights need to be respected.

The fine art of politics is drawing that line down the middle that takes the urgency of the situation into account while assuaging those who are alarmed about losing their rights, so that they can be on board.

I hope you can be both courageous and thoughtful. You did get my vote and I hope to repeat that vote if you can help lead us forward so that there'll never be such a tragedy again.

Sincerely,

Gerald Pollak

North Haven, CT

(Answer to question: According to FBI stats, 5% of homicides via assault weapons. 320 or so out of 6200)

Zamboni blues

As I've blogged before, I don't have a TV. By choice. (OK, OK, I'm too cheap to pay the cable bill). But I honestly don't miss most of it. GWSC,FRIDU,TRA (as previous readers now know, this is "girlfriend who chooses to remain anonymous." Now expanded to "Girlfriend who still chooses, for reasons I don't understand, to remain anonymous".
Anyway, she has a TV. Which I really like. (No, that's not the only reason I'm with her. I honestly would be just as much in love even if she didn't have a TV). But it's nice to watch sports again. Even with the interminable litany of ads. Even if the NFL games are fixed. (that's for a future blog). I also still like the Weather Channel, although it's become a total sellout to weather freaks. And the occasional really good TV drama or comedy.
But what I really miss is a good hockey game. I'm out of the hockey loop. My closest experience to the NHL is what my hockey-addicted brother tells me. He lives in California and was in 7th heaven when his LA Kings won the Stanley Cup last year.
This blog, however, is not just about the great game of Canada. It's actually about what happens between periods. And that, of course, is the Zamboni. True, if a game is on TV, the cameras don't show the Zamboni going around the ice. The fools think this would actually detract from the ratings. Anyone who's seen a Zamboni in action knows better. I am not alone in this view. There is a band called the Zambonis. And there have been innumerable references to the Zamboni in our culture. Airing the Zamboni between periods might actually be an upgrade from the 30 second interviews with the players.

Interviewer: "That was some goal you scored."
Player: "Yeah, ay."
Interviewer: "Was the goalie screened? Looks like he missed it completely."
Player: "Dunno, ay."

Anyway, back to the Zamboni. But first, a brief primer. The Zamboni was invented by Frank Zamboni, in that mecca of hockey, San Pedro, CA. He invented it in 1949, got the patent 4 years later, and had his first prototype going the following year. The Zamboni, as any hockey fan knows, is an ice resurfacer. It cleans the ice, gets out all the scrapes and divots, and, when done, returns to the viewer a beautifully pristine surface, ready for the skaters to use for the next period. It is to hockey what any Apple product is to technology today, except that the Zamboni actually makes sense to me.
To watch it in action is a mesmerizing experience. I watch it dutifully, making sure the driver doesn't miss a crescent of ice. If he/she does, and the next period resumes, it takes me 5 minutes to focus away from the missed crescent and back to the game. This is because the ice surface is now rough enough where the missed area isn't noticeable.
Everyone remembers their first Zamboni moment. Mine was in 1967 at the old Madison Square Garden at, I believe, 50th Street. Its last year before the present site at Penn Station. My mom took me and my brother Jeff to see the Rangers play the Chicago Black Hawks. The Hawks had Bobby Hull, he of the fastest slap shot in NHL history (at the time). They had some other great players and were in general better than the Rangers. And they in fact did win that game, 1-0 on a goal by Kenny Wharram with 5:50 to go. Wharram was the right wing on a line with Stan Mikita at center and Bobby Hull on left wing. The last two were perhaps the most potent due in the NHL at the time. Both are in the Hall of Fame.
Anyway, with all that history and majesty, but without any scoring, a non-fan would think that this would be a boring game. Ah, anything but. You must remember that the game of hockey has so much action that, even without scoring, it's still a beautiful game to watch. However, even more, hockey has the aforementioned Zamboni. And THAT was the bonus I didn't expect. Here I was, a wide-eyed 12 year old, seeing my first NHL game. And then out comes the Zamboni between periods. My mom asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom, or if I wanted popcorn, or, well, I have no idea what she was asking me. She could have told me the entire Garden was burning down and I wouldn't have heard a thing. I was transfixed. Mesmerized. Stupefied. Where did this machine come from? How does it work? Will the driver accurately smooth over the next lane of ice? Even more importantly, will I ever drive one? I found my purpose in life. To drive a Zamboni. Does life get any better?
7 years later, while a junior in college, I was watching my local hockey team, the Plattsburgh State Cardinals, in a game which, I think, they were winning after two periods, possibly 6-0. It was a blowout. I was, to be honest, the most maniacal P'burgh hockey fan on campus. Everything was great. Until the Zamboni broke down between periods. It was stuck. I mean, immovable. Result: The game ended and we had to forfeit. My week was ruined. My GPA dropped half a point. I still think the opposition sabotaged the machine. I've been spending 38 years trying to make my case but no attorney has been willing to work with me. The fools.  (Hey, my brother is also an attorney. Maybe I'll try to recruit him)
Fast forward to 2004. My wife at the time, through a series of mechanisms, has a surprise for my birthday. She has conspired with the Zamboni driver at a local rink to let me drive the Zamboni! Not during a game, but just during a period of regular maintenance. Meaning that no one except the three of us will know. Which was fine with me.
Somewhat to my surprise, it was not easy. You have to steer it just right. And it does not steer easily. I was missing ice all over the place. You also have to maintain just the right speed, which is roughly 5 MPH. Too fast and you risk crashing it into the boards. Too slow and, well, you can't go much slower than 5 MPH. But it does give off a lot of fumes, so the sooner you get through it, the better. You do NOT want to be standing behind a Zamboni. 
But I did it. I even managed to drive it out of the rink and activate the setting that dumps the used ice on the ground.
The irony of all this is that I now have access to watch hockey games. But there are NO hockey games due to the owner lockout. Supposedly settled as of this writing. But it's past halfway into the season, so the games are, to me, almost meaningless. And without taking my suggestion, the NHL network, or whoever broadcasts these games, will probably NOT be airing the Zamboni in process. I mean, if I'm a network honcho and I know I've got a season that everyone is disillusioned with, and I've got mindless chatter between periods, why would I NOT make this brave decision?

I don't like it, ay.

Long live the Zamboni. Long may you run.

Thanks for reading, y'all...gp

Follow these easy directions...

Hey all: Before I begin, I want to open with something I normally wouldn't put into this generally family friendly blog. And that is, a sex tip for men.
It's not some product you buy online, nor is it some ancient Tantric wisdom. Best of all, it's something you, I'm almost sure, will not find anywhere else. It is...a song.
Specifically, this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDY42pFwq7c

This is the song Bad Things, which is the theme song for the show True Blood. I've never seen it, although I hear it's great. Jace Everett is the singer.
 
The posted comments below the clip bear out its effect. 

All you need, guys, is a baritone or bass voice and the ability to sing on key. You don't have to be Johnny Cash, or Barry White. (Good thing, as they're both deceased)
People who sound like Mike Tyson need not apply. In fact, even Luciano Pavarotti shouldn't attempt this. If you have a beautiful tenor voice, you're just flat out of luck. This song is meant for men with deep voices.
In fact, you don't even need to sing the entire song, although it's less than 3 minutes. All you need to sing is the hook line, which will be evident once you play it. Practice it and let me know how it works.

OK. On to the main event. And that is a confession... I cannot, for the life of me, follow written instructions unless they're plainly and painfully obvious. This problem gets exponentially worse if there's a cryptic diagram to accompany it. I remember my 10th grade biology teacher, Mr. Kasner, showing diagrams of paramecia, amoebas, trees, flowers, and God knows what else. Every one of them was the dreaded "cross-section." To this day, that term freezes me into a stupor. (A word that presumably has the same etymology as stupid) I think I got a C+ in bio and to this day, I don't know how I got that high a grade.
Verbal instructions are even worse. When I was 11 years old, I played in a neighborhood football league. Shoulder pads, jerseys, cleats, helmets, the works. Being the rather fat kid that I was, I was plopped on the offensive line, which means I had to memorize Hitler's, oops, I mean, the COACH's plays. He'd verbally rattle off something like "54 trap right, on 2". I gave myself great credit for knowing what the "2" meant (2nd "hup hup"). As for the 54, again, I was clueless. Compounding the problem was that everyone else on the team had no problem understanding the language, and that the coach would call me names and chew me out in front of the team.
The point is, I cannot follow directions unless they're written in the simplest terms. And if it's verbal, there's almost zero chance of me doing the task correctly.

Which leads me to the events of last week. GWCTRA (Girlfriend who chooses to remain anonymous) entrusted me with a simple task. To set some mousetraps in her basement. Her decision to do this was in question, as she based it on some substance she saw in her basement. I assumed it to be caviar, although I don't know why anyone would leave little pellets of caviar around. She assumed the substance to be something else, and shopped accordingly. She purchased a set of 3 pieces of wood, each about the size of a large wafer, with a metal spring above it, and a couple of clips. Looked pretty simple. I read the (ahem) "directions" which were something like this:
1: Open package. (I was off to a good start)
2: Put trap substance here. ("Here" could have been on the trap. Or it could have been on the other end of the trap. Or it could have been in Trap Falls, Wisconsin. I have no idea where "here" was, although I must say that it's a good existential question)
3: Lift up spring and insert clip through hole in bottom of spring in center below tab facing out. (Or something like that). I don't remember it verbatim. But whatever it was, I didn't have a clue what it meant.
I then figured if I could just look at the diagram, and use a little common sense, I'd get it. I looked at the diagram, which would have been perfect in a Kandinsky exhibit. But useless for any practical value. All I saw was something that looked like a stick figure of a kindergartener's first attempt at drawing. Even now, I don't know what it was supposed to be.
So I lifted the trap part of it up with one hand. My grip slipped. I had the wherewithal to move my other hand away ASAP for fear of losing a finger. Sure enough, SNAP, down went the spring. Fortunately, no damage done.
So now, I got careful. Get a good grip on the thing and insert the wire, or clip, or whatever the thing is, into something that will prop it up and then slam down on the mouse, should he/she be foolhardy enough to go for the peanut butter.
Unfortunately, nothing worked. And I mean NOTHING. I played with it for 30 minutes. I know I broke one of the traps trying to insert something into something else.
I considered going online and googling "Mouse calls", then going down to the basement which some peanut butter. Trying out a mouse call, having the little critter show up, go for the peanut butter, and then slamming it with a 2 x 4. But I'm not that cruel, nor do I have that much time on my hands.
So I reluctantly gave up.  
I was comforted, however, by 2 things:
1: My reflexes, which were always very good, are still in peak form.
2: GWCTRA said she had the same problem. So hopefully I didn't lose any macho points. (A little more on that below)

All I DO know is that the diagram was a cross section of something.

Speaking of macho points, GWCTRA was out of town over the holidays. It snowed here in CT. Naturally, I offered to shovel her driveway. The problem is that a week earlier, I had a "levator scapulae" muscle, which is located between the neck and shoulder, go into spasm. My chiropractor, Jason, diagnosed it, did his usual magic and gave me some exercises. Which were working beautifully until that fateful day when I picked up the shovel and got to work. Bad idea. REALLY bad idea. What's worse is that your body doesn't tell you it's a bad idea until the next morning. At which time, I woke up with a shooting pain down my left arm and a throbbing in my upper arm that exceeded that of a disco bass guitar. Back to Jason I went. New diagnosis. Strained triceps. I'm currently learning that if I so much as pet a dog with my left hand, the pain returns. On the other hand (no pun intended), if I baby the left arm and avoid any kind of contact, it actually gets better.

I'm just glad Jason didn't write out any directions or put my problem in a diagram.

Thanks for reading...gp